Help, I am REALLY Horny is an adventure game in where we play either a man or a woman trying to get laid by someone, ANYONE of their sexual preference. Whatever that may be is our choice, and it does add some replay value with wanting to see how things playout for the other gender. They have one massive thing in common, which you may be able to garner a guess from this game’s title. It is that of wanting to get off, in addition to needing to focus on writing a song for their parent’s silver wedding. All this may sound relatively normal so far, up until you notice that everyone has genitals as faces, as well as your own crotch being fully sentient and conversing with you.
It is your life’s mission to try and get some snu snu in increasingly bizarre situations. Calling it bizarre may be a tad of an understatement, in fact. This is some early Newsground level of pure insanity right here. Let’s take to intro as an example. You start off being asked some personal questions, then it showcases your parents as they are conceiving you. Afterward, it has you playing as a sperm cell racing towards the finish line. Other situations can see you licking off menstrual blood and semen from a dirty floor. It is very crude humor that may not be to everyone’s liking. This isn’t meant to sound like a bad thing, just something to be aware of as its humor is a massive part of this title that permeates through all aspects.
Describing this game as just being of the Adventure genre does not tell the entire story. There are no puzzles or anything of the sort here. It is more of a loose collection of mini-games spread throughout some walking & talking sequences. The only controls you’ll be using are the Arrows keys to move and the Spacebar to perform actions. There is no support for gamepads. In the regular walk & talk sections that take up most of your experience, the spacebar is used to hit things. It is also the talk button. One is never quite sure if you are about to converse with something or start a fight via dick/tit slapping them. Combat is an incredibly small portion of this title. You’ll find that most of your enemies can not die, and the times when you do need to take someone down, the bad hitboxes will quickly make you glad there isn’t more fighting.
When it comes to the story, there are no branching paths. Everything will play out the same, minus a few dialogue changes when playing as a different gender. The choices come from how you choose to solve your current dilemma. Like when you are faced with how you’re trying to find a one-night stand at a club. You can either bring drinks to a narcissist dancing, or drag a specific person into another lady in order to hook up with his now single partner. There are other ways to possibly get laid, meaning you won’t see all there is in one playthrough as the story forcibly progresses once you commit to a plan. The scenarios are also the same with a different gender. It will just change the NPCs to the sexual preference you chose at the start.
The gameplay is where this really drops the ball. It is boring at best and frustrating at worst. Let me bring up the club environment event again. If you choose to try to get drinks for that broad/bloke, you’ll have to navigate across the dance floor. Touching someone will send the physics into a frenzy, causing your character to be thrust in a random direction like a pinball. It won’t kill you, but it is a massive pain with the combination of bad hit-boxes, an isometric view that makes depth perception difficult, and sluggish controls. Now add that you have to cross the dance floor multiple times, each time making your controls even worse since your character keeps drinking, until eventually even reversing them. This is the game design found throughout. It is never challenging or punishing, yet it sure does love making things unnecessarily frustrating.
Its mini-games are typically more enjoyable, if only slightly. The best of these has to be a shmup in the arcade area that has you playing as a disembodied penis shooting at women and monstrous vaginas. In another, you play as a pair of breasts at either side of the screen and must try to keep some dude from falling. Imagine a two-player Pong, then have both your paddles shoot breast milk that strikes down foes and can also damage the ball/dude if not careful. These could easily be fun, but sadly are just too poorly designed. An ‘A’ for imagination and ‘F’ for execution would describe my thoughts on the gameplay throughout as a whole.
That weirdness this title exhumes is one of its strong points. It is quite difficult to be bored or overly critical when every character cutely dances around as an idle animation. This is oddly charming. Better still is the pretty killer music that accompanies you every step through the journey. That mix of cartoon-like charm contrasted by the Flash-era low-brow humor creates a fascinating world. Something I should mention is that this is not a lewd game, despite the R18+ tag. Sure the character’s faces are genitals, but besides that, it is completely tame on that front. Do not expect to see anything that would earn it the adult rating besides that. Much like the story itself, the visuals probably signify both sexual frustration and sexual addiction instead of setting out to get the blood flowing to your other head. Not to say that the story handles that theme well. It kind of just touches on it without really saying anything whenever it tries to get more serious in tone.
My first playthrough lasted a bit over an hour. With the heavy incentives to replay it, however, it can net you a few hours more of gameplay to see and do everything there is. Another thing I really enjoyed was the little Q&A after the credits roll, where the devs answer questions such as what inspired them to make this. I honestly wouldn’t call Help, ‘I am REALLY Horny’ a good game, yet it has clearly had a lot of heart put into it. While I can’t say I had fun on the gameplay side of things, this was an interesting experience. For the low price of $8, its flaws become a lot more forgivable. This is also the rare case of a game actually having a demo to see if you will actually enjoy it before you commit, which Steam certainly needs more of. The irony of a game filled to the brim with giant dicks still being more respectful to consumers than many other titles is not lost on me. It won’t blow your mind by any means and can occasionally frustrate, but this may be appealing to those looking for a unique experience.
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