Meat Total Conversion is the self-proclaimed worst mod that Doom 2 has to offer. That is not entirely true, this is by no means the worst mod I have ever played as it is actually playable from start to finish and is neither the most offensive. I nonetheless wouldn’t wish this mod on my worst enemy. Our goal here is to hunt down Jim Jong Un to “bring peace to the world” and has us playing as some kid that may be from a meme. Meat is chock full of what I assume are Slavic memes that I don’t understand, with quite a few of the enemies being children as well. Most of them fire projectiles that skim at the bottom of the floor instead of flying through the air and one kid even attacks by dabbing.
We start off fighting Nazis under the command of good ol’ Kim and is relatively “normal” enough for a bit before the children enemies are introduced, making you wish you were deaf. Their squeaking, screams, and the noises they make when you kill them will quickly annoy you like few things can. That is only the start my friends, the assault on your ears gets so much worse as the mod progresses. Visually, it is not much better as you can’t help but constantly cock your head, wondering what in the world is going on and why we willingly choose to spend our time in this matter.
There are a few new weapons to play with, and most of the others have been given new sprites. Predictably, the new additions are not all that useful, including things like a rapid-fire rocket launcher that fires near your entire stockpile at an enemy, or some laser thing that has no projectile effects. This matters little since ammo is so scarce. It is not the type of mod where you can confront your enemies, doing so will see you left with nothing but a chainsaw very quickly. Your best bet is to haul it around the levels and hope to stumble into the exit as most stages don’t have any locked rooms. Those that do require keycards are where you’ll want to save your ammo for.
Funnily enough, the level design is not all that bad. Rare was the occasion where I found myself lost, even in those stages meant to annoy you like mazes. I’ve played far worse, merciless troll mods where there wasn’t actually an exit to them. For some reason, effort has clearly been put into this, and all of the 31 levels are playable. Well at least technically, like hell was I willing to put up with the cheap enemies and placements. That and the severe lack of ammo makes it rather overwhelming past the first couple of levels. I soon realized I was a fool for even trying and opted to god mode through it. That didn’t save me from the assault to both my vision and hearing, however.
One of the stages had you shooting up what I assume to be a school full of children, that’s about as offensive as it gets. I could very well be wrong, and it was simply an apartment complex. Truth be told, I was greatly confused throughout my time with this mod, and that was before it even started getting that weird. The highlight of Meat was easily being chased down an impossibly long, linear corridor by the floating head of Terry Crews as Let The Bodies Hit the Floor blared in the background. Good bloody luck surviving that or any other level without god mode activated. It is possible, though I am not willing to spend the rest of the year it would likely take trying to complete Meat in a legit fashion.
Heck, in the last boss fight, I had both infinite health and cells for my BFG. It still took far too long to bring it down, to the point that I instead choose to kill it with the console command after over 10 minutes of trying. What you can take away from this review, more than anything, is that somebody336 is a dirty cheater essentially. For the most part, you will never have to jump, though in some sections you will, so make sure to bind a key to do so. One stage replicates the Nuts mod and features a countless amount of enemies filling up the map. It brought my PC down to a single frame and trying to make my way towards the end of it was true hell.
Uhh… so yeah, that’s that. I’m not entirely sure why I’m bothering reviewing an intentionally bad mod, guess it’s like spreading that VHS in The Ring movie to share the misfortune. I can’t say I was entertained or had fun, yet I respect the author’s god given right to make ‘shitpost’ Doom mods and post it for all on the internet. The best part is that he or she is/was considering working on a sequel, and if that ever comes into fruition, count me right out, chief. Meat may not be the worst mod out there, yet its sheer length of 31 levels magnifies the suffering it dishes out. This is one of the most casual-sounding reviews I’ve written and how can it not be as I still have a lingering sense of confusion that I fear is now permanent. If you too want a near transcendent experience, give Meat Total Conversion a download.
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